How many [....] does is take to change a light bulb?

A collection of light bulb changing jokes.

WARNING! This page contains material of a satirical nature and may be offensive to members of the following groups:
Artists
Athletes
Brewers
Californians
Civil servants
Consultants
Cops
Data base people
Doctors
Engineers
Ethnics
Federal employees
Feminists
Football players
Generals
Gorillas
Homosexuals
IBM employees
Jewish people
Lawyers
Marxists
New Jersey-ites
New Yorkers
Oregonians
Politicians
Professors
Psychiatrists
Psychologists
'Real' men
'Real' women
Romulans
San Franciscans
Software people
Students
Supply-side economists
Valley girls
VP's
Vulcans
Waiters

  1. Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Six. One to change the bulb, one for support and four to relate to the experience.

  2. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come to relate to the experience.

  3. Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

  4. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Fifty. Fifty? Yeah, it's in the contract.

  5. Q: How many New Jersey-ites does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to be a witness, and a third to shoot the witness.

  6. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Both of them. [Bet you didn't see that one coming.]

  7. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. But it has to really want to change.

  8. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. The bulb will change itself when it's ready.

  9. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. That's a hardware problem.

  10. Q: How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. But it may take upwards of nine years to get it done.

  11. Q: How many 'real' men does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.

  12. Q: How many 'real' women does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: A 'real' woman would have plenty of men around to do it.

  13. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. That's all right I'll just sit here in the dark.

  14. Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

  15. Q: How many Generals/politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1 million to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

  16. Q: How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

  17. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: That's not funny.

  18. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: None. The darkness would cause the bulb to change by itself.
    A2: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would change itself.

  19. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer sure.

  20. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

  21. Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old one was.

  22. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

  23. Q: How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. But it takes lots and lots of bulbs.

  24. Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist and one to bill it to Medicare.

  25. Q: How many gays does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to change it and the other to say "FABULOUS!".

  26. Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. But he gets three tech reports out of it.

  27. Q: How many ethnics does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder

  28. Q: How many strong ethnics does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house

  29. Q: How many ethnic gods does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

  30. Q: How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. It turned itself in.

  31. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

  32. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: How many can you afford?

  33. Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. But he gets two credits for it.

  34. Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

  35. Q: How many federal employees does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget.

  36. Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One third less than your regular bulb.

  37. Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

  38. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 45. One to change the bulb and 44 to do the paperwork.

  39. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

  40. Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to change it and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

  41. Q: How many members of the Mission Impossible task force does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the front door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield and return to the United States.

  42. Q: How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 151. One to change the light bulb and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

  43. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Approximately 1.000000000000000000000000...

  44. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.

  45. Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 51. One to change the bulb and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.

  46. Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into the water faucet.

  47. Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Sorry, that's not my bulb.

  48. Q: How many blues singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to change it and two to complain that it runs on electricity.

  49. Q: How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: 94. (as follows)
          2 - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
    1 - Devise and write formal bulb archictecture.
    2 - Feasability study and timetable of events.
    2 - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time.
    1 - Maintain ISO and IBM standards (e.g. sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
    4 - Commonality task force on bulb change.
    15 - Change bulb.
    5 - Perform bulb functionality test.
    2 - Perform bulb load test.
    3 - Perform bulb regression test.
    1 - Perform bulb performance analysis.
    1 - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
    1 - Follow-up study, a.k.a. bulb merge feasibility.
    1 - Interface with utilities commission.
    1 - Interface with users (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable flourescent point product?).
    5 - Perform Build Other Sockets Enhancements (BOSE).
    3 - Perform Voltage Increases Amps (VIA) part 2.
    2 - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot).
    3 - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful and profitable socket.
    5 - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
    10 - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
    1 - Interface with utilities commission Quality Assurance group.
    1 - Submit to Bulb Distribution Center (BDC).
    1 - Set up Bulb Products Report (BPR) system.
    10 - Answer customer BPRs.
    11 - Football team to challenge Bulb Changers.